If I Die Tomorrow
by XChick03
Summary: One shot song fic. Very angsty You've been warned.


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If I Die Tomorrow

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Disclaimer: Characters belong to Dick Wolf and the song is Motley Crue's latest, "If I Die Tomorrow." Great song, you should listen to it if you haven't already heard it.

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I wake up to find myself  
After all these years  
And where all the time has gone  
Still seems so unclear  
'Cause there's no one else  
Since I found you  
I know it's been so hard  
You should know

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He collapsed on the floor, mind reeling, stomach turning. He got up and quickly made his way to the bathroom where he proceeded to throw up. After it seemed like everything he'd consumed in the past week was in the toilet, he ran the water in the sink and splashed some on his face, trying to force himself to wake up from the nightmare he was living. He happened to glance up in the mirror and looked at his own reflection; jaw tightened, face unshaven, crystal blue eyes glassy, almost as if he were dead. As that thought entered his mind, he threw a fist into the mirror. He should be dead. It should've been him. He watched the shards of glass explode in front of him, almost entranced by it. Nothing seemed real anymore. Somewhere in his mind, he realized that the skin on his knuckles was ripped to shreds and there was probably pieces of glass imbedded in his flesh, but he didn't feel it. His whole body was numb.

He left the bathroom and entered the kitchen where his only hope of comfort stood sitting on the counter. He reached for the bottle, threw the cap aside, and tilted it back. He relaxed for a mere second as the strong liquid stung the back of his throat. Bottle in hand, he sat on his sofa and thought of the events that led to his current condition.

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"Did he come this way?" Olivia asked as her and Elliot cautiously made their way through a dank alley, in pursuit of a rapist/murderer/kidnapper. They finally got the proof they needed and were coming to arrest him, but he punched Olivia and slammed the door in their face before they could react, and he took off out his window and down the fire escape.

"I think so. He couldn't have gotten far." They continued down the alley, eyes sharp and guns raised.

Olivia's head turned to the side, and she saw him. "Elliot, get down!" She shoved him behind a dumpster as the sound of a gunshot filled his ears.

"Olivia?" No answer. "Liv!" And then he saw it. A dark puddle forming by the edge of the dumpster. "No. Oh God, no." He cautiously moved to see what was causing the puddle, scared of what he might find. She finally came into view and tears instantly filled his eyes at the sight of her. She was laying on the ground motionless. Blood soaked through her shirt, pouring from the bullet hole in her stomach, her eyes were closed and he wasn't sure she was breathing. He approached her side and gently touched her face. He looked closely and saw that she was still breathing, so he quickly radioed in and knew an ambulance would be there in minutes, along with a dozen cops.

"Son a bitch," Elliot breathed, venom dripping from his words. He spotted the bastard who shot her about five feet away, the gun still in his hand. Before the guy could even think, Elliot's gun was in his hand and he fired. A bullet ripped through the guy's chest and he fell to the ground in a lifeless heap.

"Elliot?"

"It's okay, baby. Just hang in there. Help is on the way," he told her as he pushed her hair back from her forehead. He took his jacket off and folded it, then gently lifted her head and slid the jacket under it. He covered her wound with his hands and applied pressure, trying to stop the blood. Even though she was the one that was injured, he felt like he was dying as her blood flowed through his hands.

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If I die tomorrow  
As the minutes fade away  
I can't remember  
Have I said all I can say?  
You're my everything  
You make me feel so alive  
If I die tomorrow

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His stomach lurched again as he thought of her laying there, completely helpless. He kept thinking of everything he should've done differently. He should've seen the guy before she did, he should've yanked her behind the dumpster with him, should've waiting for back-up before going after the guy. Tears fell from his eyes and he didn't even bother to brush them away, he simply took another swig from the bottle. A part of him wanted to blame her, but he couldn't. She just did exactly what he would've done.

In just seconds, his whole life had changed. It was amazing that something a mere nine millimeters long could cause so much devastation. He rested his head against his left hand which was propped up on his knee. He kept telling himself to wake up. It was just a bad dream. He'd had similar dreams before, but they never got this far.

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He stood outside the window while she laid on a stretcher. When they'd reached the hospital, the doctor's wasted no time in wheeling her into surgery and Elliot could only stand back and pray while they worked to save her life. The captain, Fin and Munch all sat on a bench a few feet from him. None of them spoke, they didn't have to. They all knew how each other was feeling and it was apparent on all of their faces.

Cragen's eyes were watery from tears he refused to let fall as he thought of her first days in the SVU and how far she'd come. He loved her like a daughter and he was so proud of the detective she'd turned into. Of all the cops that he'd come across in his career, none were as passionate as her and none of them could relate to the victims so well. She'd broken the rules a few times, but it was always justified. He didn't know how he'd run the unit without her and prayed he would never have to.

Fin was reserved, obviously trying not to wear his emotions on his sleeve and failing at it. His face was a mixture of sadness and anger and maybe something else...hope? Olivia was the woman he respected above all else. He admired her strength and courage and how she was willing to do the right thing no matter the consequences she might have faced. Though he'd never told her, sometimes he'd wished he had been as strong as her. To have the childhood that she did and still become the person she was, that took more determination and strength than he'd ever had.

John's expression could only be described as that of a little boy who'd just lost his puppy. He'd been through so much in his life and lost so much, he couldn't bear to lose her, too. She was the light of the SVU. The person who made them all feel better when they were down, reassured them when they lost hope, and gave them confidence in themselves when they had none. She tolerated his jokes and gave him an ear when he wouldn't talk to anyone else. She taught him that not all women were shallow, that some were strong and beautiful despite everything nasty in the world.

The doctor approached them moments later and Elliot was in front of him, with hope-filled eyes.

"How is she? Is she going to be okay?"

"We've done all we can, but she's still in critical condition. Honestly...I doubt she'll make it through the night." He let out a sad, heavy sigh and patted Elliot on the shoulder. "You can see her now, she's been asking for you."

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It brings out the worst in me  
When you're not around  
I miss the sound of your voice  
The silence seems so loud  
'Cause there's no one else  
Since I found you  
I know it's been so hard  
You should know

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Elliot's eyes stung, his heart pounded, and his throat contracted. Anger enveloped him once again and he hurled the bottle across the room. It shattered against the wall. Across the room he could see the light on his answering machine blinking. He knew it was probably the Captain or Kathy and didn't really care what they had to say. They were probably concerned about him, which only pissed him off. Somewhere inside he knew it was because they cared, but he was too numb to the world to care.

He imagined his phone ringing and picking it up to hear Olivia's voice on the other line called to tell him goodnight or ask him something about a case or just to talk. The silence was deafening. It screamed at him and threatened his sanity. He would've sold his soul at that moment just to hear Olivia say one word. He remembered the last words she said to him and his chest ached.

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He took a deep breath and stepped into her room. He winced inwardly when he saw her. She was so pale and looked so weak. He never would've imagined that Olivia could look so weak.

"El?" God, her voice sounded as weak as she looked.

He rushed to her side and took her hand in his. "Yeah, I'm here." He stroked her forehead with his other hand and tried to blink back the tears that formed in his eyes. "Everything's gonna be okay. You're gonna be okay."

She gave him a small smile and said, "No, I'm not, but its okay."

He broke down and tears fell from his eyes, "I'm so sorry, Olivia. I'm so sorry."

She saw the tears in his eyes and her heart broke for him. "It's not your fault. Elliot, look at me." When he looked up and met her eyes, she continued, "I made my choice and I'd do it again in a heartbeat." She started coughing and Elliot's eyes widened with panic, but she raised a hand to calm him. "Elliot, I need you to know something now, in case I never have the chance to tell you again."

"No, don't talk like that. You can tell me whatever it is when we take you home."

The sadness on his face made her chest tighten and she just wanted to hold him and tell him she would be fine, but he deserved the truth. "Elliot, you know better than that and you have to promise me something. You have to get through this and live your life. Be happy. Please, do it for me."

He wanted to do anything but promise her that. How could he live and be happy without her? But he knew she'd feel better if he did, so he nodded his head and said "I promise."

"Elliot, I have to tell you..." she paused to collect her thoughts. The pain killers that were dripping into her arm were making her drowsy and less coherent but she had to tell him. "I love you."

"I know, Liv. I love you, too."

"No, Elliot, I love you. I always have." Slowly the realization hit him and for a brief moment happiness flashed across his face, but then he remembered where they were and a more intense sadness filled his features. His blue eyes burned into hers as the tears cascaded down his face and he tightened his grip on her hand.

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I spent all my life  
Looking for our innocence  
I've got nothing to lose  
One thing to prove  
I won't make the same mistakes  
Now I know  
That everything will be ok  
When I die tomorrow

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"She loved me." Those three words played over and over in his head. He loved her, too. He had loved her since before he could remember. What he thought he'd found in Kathy long ago, he'd finally found in Olivia. She was his soul mate, his entire world, his life. She was the reason he got up in the morning and all he ever thought about it. And if there was one thing in his life he could do different, he would've told her sooner. He would've kissed her, held her, made love to her, woke up beside her...all the things they could never have before. Now they'd never have them. Now it was too late.

He stayed with her all night and when her heart rate monitor beeped, he knew it was over. He held her hand in his and cried. He told her that he loved her and she couldn't leave him, but she couldn't' hear him. He stayed by her side holding her hand until the doctors and Cragen finally pried him away. When she died, a part of him died with her. A part he'd never get back.

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If I die tomorrow  
As the minutes fade away  
I can't remember  
Have I said all I can say?  
You're my everything  
You make me feel so alive  
If I die tomorrow  
You make me feel so alive  
If I die tomorrow  
If I die tomorrow_

_ **End**

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End file.
